BUILDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH PRACTICAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHO YOU ARE DATING.
The rudimentary step in building a sucexful relationship starts in understanding. Understanding however goes beyond the theoretical knowledge of how a person behaves; understanding is a practical process that enables you give your beloved the required space or time to be him/herself without interference from you.
In this light, understanding transcends compatibility in that when understanding provides the impetus to appreciate others even with their character issue. Love is appreciation of another’s strength and respecting your difference without allowing that difference to cause damaging problems.
Compatibility is when two different people share similar traits, likes or character hence the difference between them is low, this way the friction between them will also be low.
Sadly not many are able to appreciate those who have differing opinion from their own but the more mature are able to associate with, work with and make meaning or learn from their difference with others. Understanding is the key ingredient in this process, though this does not mean that we can go on to yoke ourselves with anybody out there in the name of understanding as that may be a formula for disaster. Disaster for by virtue of our temperament and character, some people can never mix or if they do, the mixture will be like water and oil ….capable of mixing only at high temperature, the question then becomes
“can they survive the high temperature needed to fuse together”
Let us take an illustration to buttress our point. Let us say that Jane is dating Mike, mike is a quiet guy who like to have times of solitude to be alone and collect his thought together or just to ruminate about issues bothering him.
At the level of knowledge, Jane knows Mike loves to have times alone but she may not give him the privacy needed to have the solitude. It is at that exact time that Mike wants to be alone that Jane will bring up a thousand and one reasons to distract him and or keep him away from having his solitude.
At the level of understanding, when Jane senses Mike needs to have his solitude, she will give him the required space to do so. This is true understanding…………..its practical, not theoretical.
Love is a learned art and science. Understanding also is a learned art, for you to understand the other gender, you need to know how they behaves and the factors that propel them to behave in such ways.
If you do not know the other gender behaves, you will most probably misinterpret their every move, this is a major cause of friction in relationship whether it is a marriage relationship of just dating relationship.
Some times this misunderstanding causes “a runner, chaser and punisher kind relationship”
? how.
Men by nature suppress their emotions, a man may be going through grave difficulty but he will not tell his close friends, he may only tell those whom he feels have an idea or can contribute to the solution. The challenge here is if the man has the conceited perspective that women have nothing to offer. Then he will not tell his partner the exact nature of his challenge, within this period, he will exhibit typical male response to challenge- he becomes less available for her, he runs more into his desert of contemplation, he talks less and may not laugh over things he used to laugh over. At this point, if the woman does not know this attitude is male basic response to challenge and has nothing to do with her as a person, she will accuse their man of being tired of the affair/marriage or say he has got another babe who is eating up his head. For some women they will punish this man in their own way, sometimes when the man Comes out of this desert, his partner will now ostracize him and start running from him as payback . Which switches the role that was played as formally she was pursuing him and he was running (remember the running is a misinterpreted gesture), now she is the runner while he is the chaser.
If we examine this situation from the perspective of understanding, we see it is not that the woman does not care about the man, the fault comes from the fact that she misinterpreted the act of the man because she lacked the knowledge of male fundamental behavior.
But if the woman has an understanding of how men respond to challenges, the best she can do for him is to be there for him, give him the required space and try not to distract him much, pamper him by cooking the food he likes, the most powerful medicine for him at this time will be to give him great sex. By making yourself avalable for sex, it will make him feel understood and appreciated, this will give him the inspiration to come up with a quick solution and bounce back. On the female side, some women normally have difficulty such as mood swings, unexpected anger and uncomfortable feeling and a host of other which makes some of them difficult to be with. If a man understands she is going through a difficult time as a result of her personal issue then he will be there for here and do all he can to give her strength during this time of weakness but if he lacks this knowledge, he will take it personal and punish her in his own way. At times like this, men who lack understanding begin to say women are difficult to handle or that you can never understand a woman when the truth is that he is the ignorant one there.
Another example is when a man is dating a woman he judges to be a talkative. The more she talks, the more he retreats from her, the more he retreats the more she feels rejected and increases her talkativeness which in turn increases his retreats then when she tries repeatedly to get his attention with out sucex, she feels worse.
This issue could have been solved if the man knew that women are expressive and will not hesitate to voice out what bothers then, an attitude which is not a accepted method among the male folk as it will make other male see the talker as too feminine or pesky.
Understanding then, is a practical scientific art which has to be learned and mastered. Scientific art in the sense of science and art. Science is a learned thing, while art is something within but has to be developed and refined. As individuals we know ourselves but we have to learn about our partner else we will hurt them in the process of loving them. Understanding gender unique love language is very crucial to the process of understanding the other. Sometimes it is said that “you can never love a person without hurting them until you have been hurt while loving”
Eleas Stanley